Raccoons Invade New York City

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Who you gonna call in New York City when you see another raccoon trying to break into your trashcan?

Call 311. It’s a special line set up by the city and when you call it, they’ll tell you to call a private exterminator. In other words, “Not our problem!”

Raccoons have moved from nuisance to menace in the past year or so, all over New York City. Now, they’re scaring little old ladies and moms are worried about letting their children play outside, for fear of being attacked. Last August, the New York Times reported, “Not even elected officials are immune. Assemblywoman Cathy Nolan of Queens said that seven raccoons sauntered among the guests at a Fourth of July street party in Ridgewood, mystifying children, terrifying parents and nearly ruining the celebration. Assemblyman Michael Miller, also of Queens, said that he stopped to make a call from his driveway the other day and a pair of raccoons ran under his car.”

Now, they’re hissing.

On Oct. 9, Digital Spy reported that now the New York City raccoons are “hissing” at people. It reports that Rich Weddle, of the Animal Husbandry Department at Liberty Science Center is telling people to take a chill pill. He said, “Residents who call the police have been told that raccoons pose no threat to humans and that they should use a humane trapper if they are concerned.”

First of all, raccoons posing no threat? These people obviously didn't grow up in the country. Catch a big sow raccoon digging through your trash can, grab her by the tail and see if you don't end up in the hospital. Few creatures on the planet are any more ill-tempered. And last I checked, raccoons have sharp teeth and can carry rabies.

And what is a "humane trapper?" Is that just code for "don't kill it"?

Maybe the best thing to do is buy an old hearse, paint a red circle with a line across the middle over the face of a snarling raccoon and slap up a website.

“Who you gonna call? Raccoon Busters! For humane trapping and removal.

Here’s an opportunity for a trapper-entrepreneur to take advantage of a ripe field of varmints.

Watch out, New Jersey. You're probably next in line for the invasion.